I figured I would start this blog off with a topic I think many of you will find very useful: poop interpretation. Some of you may be familiar with the more mundane art of dream interpretation. Poop interpretation uses similar techniques, but does away with the inaccuracies inherent in the dream interpretation system. When interpreting someone else's dreams, you have to rely entirely on their retelling of what happened, and are unable to get proper access to the source material. In poop interpretation, however, the source material is (ideally) close at hand, so you can smell, taste, and feel exactly what happened for yourself. For best results, it helps to analyze the dung as soon as possible - in fact (though I realize it may take some getting used to) it helps if you can convince the analyzee (from here on out referred to as the 'pooper') to defecate directly upon the chest of the analyzer (from here on referred to as the 'poopee') for easy access. In addition, placement of fresh caca in this area can have a pleasant 'Vick's Vapor Rub' effect. I'll try to avoid boring you with any more basics (I assume most readers of this blog know the proper technique for excreting fecal matter on the chest of a willing recipient) but I will go into details on more advanced methods (ie. defecating on the unwilling, proper diarrhea management, effective control of cholera, etc.) in future posts. And now, without further ado, I present my introductory primer on poop interpretation:
Advanced topics in fecal containment
Once you have successfully guided the pooper through a basic Dirty Sanchez maneuver, it is time to jump in (usually not literally - though situations may vary). In this guide I am to describe the most common fecal characteristics, along with their proper interpretations.
Color: Color is an important component of poop interpretation, and is very accessible to beginners. Below I will describe the basic 'primary' colors of poop. Much like primary colors of paint, the primary poop colors can be mixed in order to obtain all other shades.
Like this, but with much more poop
Brown - Brown is a basic, and generally uninteresting, shade of poo. Fecal matter that is brown generally implies the pooper has been living a boring, meaningless life. A light brown defecate usually means that the pooper is financially boring and conservative. If you happen to be in a relationship with the pooper, and you are at a point where you are comfortable enough to receive a Dirty Sanchez, but still not fully committed, I would advise leaving them in a hurry. A sugga daddy (or sugga momma) he or she ain't. A dark brown defecate, on the other hand, means the pooper is likely to be a political conservative who hates both female reproductive rights and taxing the rich. If you're anything like me, this is an ideal characteristic in a mate - put a ring on that shit (shockingly, despite the context, I don't mean that literally) before I do. A camo (light and dark brown interspersed) poop is quite rare, and does not fit with the general pattern of brown poop. Camo poopers tend to be both liberal and impulsive, to the point where they may have even voted for Obama. If you have the opportunity, try to remove such individuals from society - I would suggest simply calling the police and claiming they dropped a fudgemonkey on your chest without your permission (if you are unclear on how to properly frame someone for such an activity, dont worry! We'll cover that more fully in another segment).
Poops camo like, twice a week
Green - Green fecal matter, on the other hand, presents greater variety and intrigue. A forest green poop, for example, tends to imply that the pooper will soon have a death in the family. Lime green, on the other hand, usually indicates an unwanted pregnancy. Teal, while unusual, is a dead ringer for winning the lottery (ask these people for lucky numbers if you can fit it into the fecal analysis somehow). A mix of these colors (chunks, not shades), like in the brown case, does not simply imply a mixing of the aforementioned characteristics. In the green case, a mix of any of the above two shades simply indicates a high likelihood that the texture of the next fecal ejection will be crumbly, like a good feta cheese. While I will not go into the details of textural analysis in this post, such foreknowledge can be highly advantageous! Tricolor poop has been the study of much academic discussion in recent years, with a number of theories as to its possible implications. Unfortunately, however, no one has experimentally verified the existence of tricolor poop (referred to as tripoo-G among the fecally literate) despite substantial investments and research grants from such illustrious figures as Divine (star of Pink Flamingos) and Steve Buscemi.
Steve Buscemi about to make a 'donation' to our research fund
Red - Red fecal matter, despite popular misconceptions, is actually among the best colors one's defecate can be. Brick red dung, ideally delivered during a waxing gibbous, implies the imminent conception of a strong world leader. It is rumored, in fact, that Kim Jong-il expelled a non-stop three day stream of brick red rectal soft serve during a waxing gibbous bordered on each side by a lunar eclipse. It was during that period that our supreme leader, Kim Jong-un, was conceived. A fire engine red color, on the other hand, is one of the few colors that means little for the pooper, but has major implications for the poopee. The deposition of a fire engine red rectal explusion on your chest is usually a sign of great things to come in your love life - most likely imminent copulation with some form of english nobility. A point of warning, however - the longer one leaves fire engine red feces on one's chest, the higher up the royal ladder one climbs. Given the top of the ladder is the queen, I would advise against leaving the butt fudge on for too long, despite its excellent exfoliating and moisturizing qualities.
On second thought, any woman willing to wear that out in public must be nuts in the sack
That about wraps it up for this first entry - I have a consultation coming up soon and I need to properly set up my cameras and lighting (at times the act of fecal expulsion can be very enlightening in and of itself). I hope my introduction to poop interpretation has piqued your interest in the great potential of the science, and I hope to soon add further information about olfactory, textural, and gustational analysis techniques to complement the visual methods described above.
